My Tough 100 in '09

2008, without any question , has been a very tough year for me. It was a painful roller coaster ride that I did not enjoy riding. And so I thought at the beginning of the year that I wanted to make this year a very different one –I wanted to know my purpose, to start anew and to accomplish a lot of things. On my red Starbucks planner, I wrote:” 100 things I wanted to accomplish for 2009”.So here it goes:

1. Live for the present. 2. Learn how to trust and stop judging 3. Forgive and forget. 4. Talk and write sensibly5. Look good and feel good.6. Find an inspiration. 7. Give a lot of hugs, kisses and a lot of love.8. Redeem self after failure.9. Smile a lot. 10. Listen then think before talking.11. Walk the talk. Talk the walk.12. Learn the art of masking emotions when necessary.13. Cry a thousand rivers. Laugh like there's no tomorrow.14. Be in one with nature.15. Appreciate beauty. 16. Give respect and earn the respect of others.17. Learn how to apologize.18. Be more patient. 19. Be more thoughtful. 20. Be educated. Educate others.21. Do not deny myself the things that will make me happy.22. Kiss the rain. Play in the rain.23. Get promoted at work.24. Be proactive and spontaneous.25. Meet new friends or at least try to have some social life.26. Control my expenses and save a lot of money.27. Sell some of my stuff at e bay.28. Be an entrepreneur. 29. Live independently. 30. Win the lottery. Big time. I wish.31. Spend Holidays and special occasion with people I love.32. Quality time with my nieces and nephew.33. Buy my mom flowers on her birthday.34. Visit old friends. Do a lot of catching up.35. More bonding times with my team at work.36. Capture beauty in pictures.37. Buy a nice laptop. 38. Have a steady and fast internet connection.39. Upgrade my PC. 40. Get a new digital camera.41. Pay my debts. 42. Go on hiking or camping with friends.43. Hit the gym. Gain weight. Build muscles.44. Play volleyball. 45. Get a new sports : Tennis.46. Badminton. 47. Yoga. 48. Boxing. 49. Any water sports. Swimming. surfing. Wakeboarding.50. Capoiera. 51. Jogging every Sunday.52. Join a running marathon.53. Watch UAAP games.54. Take up culinary arts short courses. First stop: Maya Culinary Kitchen March 2009.55. Cook really nice food for my friends.56. Try different restos in Manila.57. Study reflexology. 58. Learn how to appreciate different genres of music.59. Write letters to friends, the old-fashion way.60. Learn another language. First stop: Instituto de Cervantes.61. See really nice films. Indie films should not be all about gays and poverty. Enough of those types.62. DVD Marathon. Movies. Series. Documentaries.63. Write a film review. 64. Read blogs of friends and learn from the lives of these people.65. Read and write poems.66. Print articles that I wrote and book bind it.67. Print my pictures. 68. Put great captions on my pictures which I rarely do69. Get a pencil and draw.70. Get myself into architecture and interior design.71. Buy a magic sing and sing my hearts out.72. Paint. 73. Visit Binondo 74. Learn the art of Fengshui.75. Go to Enchanted Kingdom.76. Go to Lamesa Ecopark.77. Clean my room. 78. Dye my hair blonde. 79. Sport a new haircut. 80. Pay visit to St.Jude Church.81. Go to Our Lady of Manaoag in Pangasinan.82. Attend mass on Sundays.83. Visit new churches. 84. Reflect on Holy Week.85. Join an outreach program.86. Maintain vanity. Be fashion forward.87. A complete medical check up on my health.88. Undergo LASIK Surgery. 89. Remove my braces. 90. Wear a colored contact lens.91. Pay a visit to a dermatogist. Try Microdermabrasion.92. Hit the beach on summer.93. Travel outside the country. Destination: any Asian country.94. See the beauty of the Philippines: Batanes, 95. Pagudpod Ilocos, 96. coron or Caramoan Palawan, 97. Cebu. 98. Bohol. 99. Camiguin Island . 100. and Boracay.
I am happy that some of them have been accomplished already while others are still work in progress.

Pisay.

Regional Science High School in Olongapo City will always be the one of best high schools for me. Eventhough I did not finish my high school there since my family moved to Manila,I would say that this institution taught me a lot - not only with academics but about life in general.I will always be proud that I have been part of this school.

Isa sa mga paborito kong pelikulang indie (independent films) ay ang Pagdadalaga ni Maximo Oliveros ni Auraeus Solito. Inabangan ko ang pelikula niyang Pisay at sa pagkakataong ito,masasabi kong hindi niya ako muling binigo sa inaasahan ko.

Habang pinapanood ko ang pelikula,hindi ko maiwasang maalala ang naging buhay ko sa Sci-High (o Science High School).Ang bawat eksena ay tunay na paglalarawan ng mga nagiging buhay ng mga kabataang pumapasok sa isang pang-agham na eskuwelahan o kahit sa isang regular na hayskul- kung gaano kahirap at kasarap ang maging estudyante, ang kilig at pait ng unang pag-ibig, ang pagpili ng karera o kurso bago magkolehiyo, ang pagharap sa krisis politikal ng bansa.
Hindi kailangang nagaral ka sa Pisay para lubusang maappreciate ang ganda ng pelikula.Makikita natin ang sarili sa bawat karakter ng pelikula- ang mahirap,ang mahina sa Math, ang pasista,ang coñio, ang henyo, ang artist, at iba pa.Sinasabi rin ng pelikula, na silang Pisay (o mga henyo) ay katulad din natin.

Mahusay ang nagsiganap na artista sa pelikulang ito lalo na si Eugene Domingo, na isang Physics teacher.Ang mga batang artista na nagsiganap na estudyante ay mahuhusay din.Kapuri puri ang pelikulang ito ni Auraeus Solito.

Bumalik tayo sa high school.Ang mga karanasan na ibinigay nito sa atin,ang bawat araw na komplikado man, malungkot, masalimuot o masaya ay tunay na masarap balikan hanggang sa ngayon.

Panoorin natin ang Pisay.

Alas it's finished.it's complete.

There is this something
I’ve always been searching
I’ve looked in all places
The same old faces
Ah.. ah


But now it’s different
‘Cause I’ve finally found
The missing piece
In YouIn You
In you
In you
At last it’s finished
It’s complete

~FIN by Pupil

Random thought.

Wait 'till it rains...
Because the weather defines the people who go and get their own umbrellas,
and those who stay with you under the rain."
This was a text message forwarded to me by Viel this morning.Very very true.

2008.First blog entry.

It's been a while.I have been longing to write for quite sometime.I am not really sure if I was just too busy doing a lot of things lately or I just simply lost the interest to write.I honestly think that there's a lot of things that I wanted to say but I just don't know how to say it.

2008 had a good start. Before the year 2007 ended, I went to Baguio with some friends from PEx.we decided to stay in La Trinidad,Benguet, which is just 20-30 minutes away from the city.We decided not to stay in the city because the sight there was really disgusting and disappointing (pollution , traffic,garbages everywhere, foul smell of the air etc).We all agreed that Baguio is not the same as it was a few years ago.

We had our lunch at Rosebowl (very good food ), we also went to Strawberry farm, we cooked using the fresh veggies we bought from Baguio Market and we decided to swim somewhere in Asin Benguet.I had my first experience of sulphuric swimming pool, which they say is therapeautic.I find it weird that we went all the way to Baguio to swim on a cold December.But I dont care, it was fun.I had a great time with the company I was with and it made me forget all the not so good things that happened in 2007.

By the last week of January, I was invited to go to Quezon by my good friend Genesis to celebrate his Birthday. It was my first time in Quezon and I had a great time too.I felt really close to nature that time,I did appreciate the beauty of the province, the green surrounding,the mountains,the fields,it was really relaxing to see these things.The house where we stayed in is on a hill,there was a pool where the running water came all the way from Mount Banahaw.I also enjoyed the food that were served , they were all fresh and healthy. We also went to Kamay ni Hesus Healing Church in Lucban, where I made a wish when I reached the huge statue of Jesus on top of the mountain after climbing hundred steps.The trip to Quezon was really memorable.

A week after the Quezon Trip, my best buddy John and I went to a beach somewhere in Laiya Batangas.I have been to a lot of beaches already but I would consider San Juan beach as one of the beach beaches I've been so far.

It was so relaxing even if you'll just sit somewhere in this beach,watch the sea and listen to the waves or just wait for the sun to set in the late afternoon.There's a lot to do here but my favorite one will be watching the sunset.Emote di ba?Hahaha.It was also my first time to try kayak-ing and it was really fun. Ang sakit nga lang sa katawan.Haha.
I dunno but there is something in that place that makes me want to come back.
We went to Tagaytay after that and dined at Gerry's to celebrate John's Birthday.

I wish I can write more and hoping that i have the luxury of time and passion to narrate everything that's been happening in my life lately,but I would have to stop here.2008 had a good start and I hope it will stay that way until the year ends.Here's to fabulous 2008 everyone! :)

My Dating Persona Test

I took this Psychology test and I got some pretty disturbing result.

The 5-Night Stand
Deliberate Brutal Sex Master (DBSM)

Compassionate, loving, and understanding, but only for one business week, you are The 5-Night Stand.

Sex is your primary objective, and you are a skilled manipulator. Therefore, you get LOTS of ass. Most likely, you juggle many men at once; you care about all of them a lot, but each of them a little. It adds up, right? One love.

You're not dishonest with people, exactly. It's unlikely, for instance, you'd actually say "I love you," just to get laid; and you might even go as far as explaining "I'm not ready for a commitment" to a potential partner. Of course, when you say it, you'd smile that special smile, like you two have an inside joke. Him.

The secret of your success? Every nice person has an instinct to fix the broken dirtbag within you. Women especially have this instinct, because deep down they want their sons to be evil, a genetic advantage.

To wit, your most likely occupations are stock broker, lawyer, and photographer. You are a hard worker, because power and success turn you on.


Your exact male opposite:
The Boy Next Door

Random Gentle Love Dreamer
Always avoid: The False Messiah (DBLM), The Vapor Trail (RBLM), The Bachelor (DGSM)

Consider: The 5-Night Stand (DBSM)

random thoughts for the day

Thanks to a very long bus travel and terrible traffic I came up with these thoughts for myself.

***When something or someone seems too good to be true, it is just right to ask what the catch is.

***Do not tell or teach someone to be compassionate when you are actually a perfect example of an immature, proud and insensitive human being.You're just probably not aware of it.

***It is unlucky of me to meet a lot of hypocrites and plastic people lately.Thanks to you, because I am now cautious in dealing with these kind of people.A friend is right,not all people who smiles at you can be considered as friend.

***Lastly do not bother another soul,trying to win his heart by using phrases like you are "a good catch",that's funny and sick because you dont even know yourself that well.I don't know exactly what you meant when you said that.And even if let's say ,you are a good catch it's better to be quite and not brag about it.It is far more honorable to keep quiet than to talk and then become disreputable.

Updates

How do you like the new skin of my blog?It's cool isn't it?

Life seems to be very easy right now here in the new department.Maybe because since I am new here, they did not give my that much workload.Plus I am no longer taking calls,so I am soo happy.I am only completing a few deliverables every day.Thanks also for free the internet connection because I can blog here.Hehe.Next week will be a very stressful week since I have to meet the goal for auditing uploads, audits and what have you's.I think I have adjusted already here.I never had any hard time getting along with my new workmates.

Mas pipiliin ko pa rin ang ginagawa ko ngayon kesa sa dati kong trabaho na wala yatang araw na hindi uminit ang ulo dahil sa mga pasaway na customers.Now I can breathe again.

Wala ako gaanong maisip na isulat ngayon so random thoughts na lang muna.
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Picture credit from: http://digitalphotographer.com.ph/forum/showthread.php?t=8762

Congratulations to UP Pep squad,for being the champion in this year's University Athletic Association of the Philippines (UAAP) Cheerdance Competition which was held at the Araneta Coliseum, September 16.
Next year manonood na ko nito sa big dome.I am not really a fan of this cheerdance contest pero naaliw ako nung napanood ko siya last sunday.Mas masaya siguro kung kasama ang school ko nung college sa UAAP.Haha.

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Picture taken from: www.biographyonline.net

I have been watching some of Audrey hepburn's classic movies (Sabrina, Roman Holiday,Children Hour etc).I first saw her in Breakfast in Tiffany's and from then I became a fan.Nakakaaliw siya.She never fails to amaze me with her charm and timeless elegance.She is truly a beauty and fashion icon in the real sense of the word.
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There have been a lot of realization and drama in my life lately.As in HEAVY DRAMA. But I'd rather not talk about it now.Nakakapagod din pala ang masyadong madramang buhay.Sana nga hindi na lang ako ganoon kaemosyonal.Kaya kahit dito lang sa blog ko hayaan niyo na lang akong sumigaw at magmura : "TANGINA.GUSTO KO RING MAGING MASAYA."

Haha.Thanks.I now,I feel much better.

Rereading Eleven Minutes

Let me post some of the beautiful quotes from this must read book. Hopefully, i will remember them.

"Anyone who has lost something they thought was theirs forever finally comes to realise that nothing really belongs to them. And if nothing belongs to me, then there's no point wasting time looking after things that aren't mine; its best to live as if today was the first (or last) day of my life."

"I can choose either to be a victim of the world or an adventurer in search of treasure. It's all a question of how I view my life."

"Some people were born to face life alone, and this is neither good or bad, its simply life."- "But life was teaching her - very fast - that only the strong survive. To be strong, she must be the best, there's no alternative".

"I'm not a body with a soul, I'm a soul that has a visible part called body."

"A man doesn't prove he's a man by getting an erection. He's only a real man if he can pleasure a woman. And if he can pleasure a prostitue, he'll think he's the best lover on the block."

"... but there's always one woman who frightens them (men) and forces them to submit to her caprices." (Maria, wondering how all her clients seem to be 'afraid')

"Eleven minutes. The world revolved around something that only took eleven minutes." (The accompanying para is amazing, its too long to type though)

"Human beings can withstand a week without water, two weeks without food, many years of homelessness, but not loneliness. Its the worst of all tortures, the worst of all sufferings."

"That is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it."

"Love is not to be found in someone else, but in ourselves; we simply awaken it. But in order to do that, we need the other person. The universe only makes sense when we have someone to share our feelings with."

"Passion makes a person stop eating, sleeping, working, feeling at peace. A lot of people are frightened because, when it appears, it demolishes all the old things it finds in its path."

"Each day I choose the truth which I try to live. I try to be practical, efficient, professional. But I would like to be able always to choose desire as my companion. Not out of obligation, not to lessen my loneliness, but because its good. Very good."

"If you want to achieve your objectives, you have to be prepared for a daily dose of pain or discomfort. At first, its unpleasant and demotivating, but in time you come to realise that it's a part of the process of feeling good, and the moment arrives when, if you don't feel pain, you have a sense that exercises aren't having the desired effect." (As true as it can be, this is the hardest thing!)-

"Oh, so you want to think that, do you? All right then, do what you like, while I get on with more important things." (Maria, to herself, when her heart complained about the absence of her love)

"The art of sex is the art of controlled abandon."- "..., it's (pain) a very powerful drug. Its in our daily lives, in our hidden suffering, in the sacrifices we make, blaming love for the destruction of our dreams. Pain is frightening when it shows its real face, but its seductive when it comes disguised as sacrifice or self denial. Or cowardice. However much we may reject it , we human beings always find a way of being with pain, or flirting with it and making it a part of our lives."

"Pain and suffering are used to justify the one thing that brings only joy: love."

"No one around me is happy; the clients know that they are paying for something that should be free, and thats depressing. The women know that they have to sell something which they would like to give out of pleasure and affection, and that is destructive." (Maria, in a diary entry).

"Life is too short, or too long, to allow myself the luxury of living it so badly."

"In all languages in the world, there's the same proverb: "What the eyes don't see, the heart doesn't grieve over". Well, I say there isn't an ounce of truth in it. The further off they are, the closer to the heart are all those feelings we try to repress and forget. If we are in exile, we want to store away every tiny memory of our roots. If we're far from the person we love, everyone we pass in the street reminds us of them." (Maria, quoting a priest in her diary).- "Its odd how, when you live in a city, you always postpone getting to know it and usually end up never knowing it at all."

Sa wakas

I will be part of the Quality Monitoring team starting today.I am actually excited since I will work with a different department but at the same time, I am quite sad since I have to leave my team.But I have to move on,this change is something I need to accept in order for me to grow professionally.

Looking back, I felt that everything happened so fast. I remember how upset I was because I did not get the schedule that i wanted a month ago.I was disappointed because I know my place in the team.I was one of the top performers.I don't have any late nor absences on the previous month.I felt that what my co-employess used to tell me is probably true,that the best people in this company are never being rewarded or recognized no matter how much effort they give.

I was crying while I was composing my resignation letter.I have been working here for about three years.Most people are complaining about the salary, the management and the lack of opportunity for growth.But I decided to stay.Now just like them I have to leave to find a place where I think I will not only grow but will also be happy and fulfilled.Most of my teammates were actually surprised about my decision.I am the employee who is most unlikely to resign.I always tell them I am happy and there is no reason to leave the company.

I think that is one of the most difficult decisions I made in my life.I passed my resignation letter.I was given a week to think if I should retract it or not.I was being emotional that time and if my heart will be the one to decide about it, it will say I should go.But I listened to my mind.I retract the resignation letter before the effectivity date.

A friend accompanied me to a church in which he said is miraculous.My folks used to tell me that if it was your first time to see the church, you have to make a wish.I told God that if there's a miracle I wanted to see in my life, it will be a change in direction in my career life and my relationships with other people. I don't know if it's just mere coincedence but one of my wishes actually came into reality.
A week after , a party was organized by the program to recognize the top performing agents .I was one of the few people who have been recognized.That made my team captain encouraged me to apply for the Quality assurance analyst position.That also made me realized that the effort I gave were actually not left in vain.To make the long story short, I passed the screening and I will be working for the QA department starting today.

I remember my interview with the manager of the department.One of his questions was, what took me so long for apply in the position.For lack of sensible answer I told him what my friend told me about waiting for the perfect time. I said,there is grace in waiting.I could not understand that concept before.

Now it all makes a lot of sense.

another drama episode

To you,

I hope everything's doing good on your end.I hardly slept this morning after that talk we had.Well to tell you,its been like that for a week.I tried to pretend I am ok thinking that I can handle this but the truth is what I am going through right now is not easy.I still don't know what to think, I am still clueless how to deal with this.

You said you are confused.That there have been a lot of realizations lately about yourself.That it was only recently that you've learned that your being inconsistent about your feelings will just bring me a lot of heartache.You also told me that you are bombarded with a lot of problems-about your family, your work and then me.I am pretty sure they're giving you a lot of headaches and pressure.And I know its not easy either.

I wanted to tell you that I am somehow disappointed for your insensitivity and for not trusting me when I wanted to share your pain in times that you're really down.I also hate it when you keep everything to your self and not telling me things that I need to know.I remember you said one time that you are willing to share your life with me.I also wanted to do the same to you.I want to be there for you anytime.I want to share not only your joy,dreams and passion but your trouble, your fears and pain.I always wanted to be the one who makes you smile,who pushes you to the top to be the best of what you can be and symphatize with your needs.In my prayers I am asking God to give me a chance to to be at your side and to grow with you.

Please dont assume that I already know how you feel.It was you who said that I don't know you that much.We have an agreement that if there will come a time that any of us does not want to continue whatever we have right now, we'll tell each other right away.I am begging for your honesty.If it takes letting you go for a while, I'll do that. I will not pretend I'm not hurting, because I am.I have accepted a long time ago that the moment you love someone you have given him the capacity to hurt you, that how much you hurt is equal to how much you have loved, that getting hurt is proportionate to having too many expectations.

I am not asking you to change for me.All I am asking is for you to have a little faith and respect in me.No one has the right to tell you to change.You have the solid dominion over your own feelings and nobody, even myself, has the right to trample on it. I respect you're entirety and that includes whatever is in your mind, soul and heart.

I may not be ok right now but no worries, no pressure. I'll be fine and alright in another sunny day.We are still cool and I’m looking forward to seeing you again.I wanted to talk, clear things up once and for all.

Wherever life may lead us from here,I will say good luck to both of us.

Missing my old bloggie

Forget about the new blog.i will still post here.hehe.

I love Imago

I am really impressed with Imago's musicality and song writing.I accidentally listened to their song while boarding a bus going to work.From then, I started to listen to some of their songs.Astig ito,yun lang masasabi ko.Now they will be be one of my favorite bands, next to my all time fave, Eheads.Three of my friends commented that i look like Zach daw, Imago's drummer.He is probably goodlooking,i said.Haha.
Here's their newest video Sundo from their album Blush.Feeling ko videojock ako ng Myx.Enjoy!

ISANG LIHAM PARA SA DATING MINAHAL

ISANG LIHAM PARA SA DATING MINAHAL

Kumusta ka na?

Hindi ko maipaliwanag sa kabila ng pagod at sa haba ng araw na ito ay naalala kitang bigla.Kung bakit kasi naisipan kong hanapin ang profile mo sa friendster kanina.Ang totoo,noon ko pa siya nakita pero takot akong iinvite ka.Baka mareject lang ang invitation ko.Baka kasi hindi mo na ko kilala.Sabagay anim na taon na ang nakararaan ng huli tayong magkita.Napakarami ng nagbago.Napakarami ko na ring pinagdaanang relasyon at alam kong ikaw rin.Pero sadya yatang hirap ako na limutin ka.

Nilakasan ko ang loob ko.Binuksan ko ang profile mo at ininvite kita.Nagpadala pa nga ako ng message sa iyo.Ang sabi ko : "Hi kumusta na? ____,si ____ ito,nagmeet tayo nung 3rd year college tayo.Sana naalala mo pa.Kung hindi mo na ko matandaan, sana maalala mo ako sa mga bagay na babanggitin ko : purple valentines card,green scrapbook,Lord of the Rings,Forevermore,Tapsilog,Intramuros at Circle.Ayan,sana maalala mo."

Wala namang may kasalanan kung bakit nagkahiwalay tayong dalawa.Parehas tayong mga bata pa noon.Parehas na wala pang karanasan sa pagkakaroon ng ganitong klaseng relasyon.Siguro ako ang sinisisi mo kaya tayo nagkahiwalay.Hindi kasi kita naipaglaban.Masyado ding naging makitid ang utak ko.

Nakakatawa ang pagkakakilala natin.Birthday ko noon.Pagkaalis ng mga bisita ko pagkatapos namin maginuman sa bahay ay binuksan ko ang telebisyon.Naaliw ako sa music video na palabas,sa ilalim ng screen ay may mga messages ng mga taong bumabati sa kaibigan,mga nagrerequest ng video at may ilan din namang naghahanap ng textmates.Bagama't hilo na ko sa ininom na alkohol ay nakuha ko pa rin ang numero ng cellphone mo na napakabilis na ipinakita sa screen.

Nagsimula ang lahat sa simpleng "ASL" na pinadala ko sa iyo.Noong una, iniisip ko na parehas lang tayong mga bored ng panahong iyon.Naghahanap ng pampalipas oras.Ng mapagkakabalahan.Pero may kung ano ka yatang angking gayuma at bigla naging interesado ako sa iyo.Nagsimula ang pagpapalitan ng text messages.Ang mga text ay nasundan ng mga paguusap sa telepono.Bigla kong naalala ngayon, kung paano akong laging nakabantay sa telepono at nakikipagunahang sumagot sa mga kapatid ko sa pagaakalang ikaw ang tumatawag.Naalala ko rin ng minsan muntik mahulog sa timba ng tubig o inodoro ang cellphone ko dahil dinadala ko ito kahit pagpunta sa banyo.Naaalala ko rin kung paanong lagi akong inaasar ng mga kaibigan ko dahil kakaiba daw ang ngiti ko kapag nakakatanggap ng text message mula sa iyo.

Pagkatapos ng ilang linggong paguusap sa text at sa telepono,nagpasya tayong kitain ang isa't isa.Maaga akong dumating sa napagusapang lugar.Bagama't hindi ikaw ang unang taong nakaeyeball ko ay napakalakas pa rin ng kaba ko sa dibdib.Marahil sadyang natatakot lang ako sa rejection.Maaaring takot lang ako na madisappoint ka.At maaring takot din ako na hindi natin magustuhan ang isa't isa sa pagkikitang ito.

Habang sinusundan ko ng tingin ang mga taong nandoon na may suot na kulay itim na t-shirt na sabi mo'y suot mo, ay biglang tumunog ang cellphone ko.Tumatawag ka.Ang sabi mo nakababa ka na ng taxi.Alam kong ikaw ang namataan ko ilang metro mula sa kinatatayuan ko.Natatawa ako dahil napakalapit na natin sa isat isa pero magkausap pa tayo sa cellphone.Kumaway ka.Nakangiti,naimagine ko na sa mga paguusap natin ang mga ngiting iyon.Pinatay mo ang cellphone mo,lumapit ka sa akin.Kabado pa rin ako habang nakikipagkamay sa iyo.Tumingin ako sa mga mata mo.Sabi nila sa mga mata mo mababasa kung masaya ang isang tao.At nakita sa mga matang iyon na masaya ka.

Doon nagsimula ang ilan sa pinakamasayang araw sa buhay ko.Hindi ako magaling sa paglalarawan ng nararamdaman pero alam kung ng mga panahong iyon, ang nararamdaman ko ay isa sa pinakamasarap na naramdaman ko sa buong buhay ko.

Paano nga ba kita malilimot.Eh lubhang napakaraming bagay ang nagpapaalala sa akin sa iyo.

Natatandaan mo ba kung paanong wala tayong pakialam na magkahawak ng kamay sa loob ng MRT? Naririnig mo pa ba ang lakas ng mga halakhakan natin kapag magkasama tayo?Natatandaan mo ba ang mga hitsura ng mukha natin ng parehas tayong nasorpresa dahil parehas ang nabili nating valentine's card? Ang paulitulit at walang sawa nating pagpatugtog ng Forevermore ng Side A kapag nakatambay tayo sa bahay niyo.Ang pagtambay natin sa Circle pagkatapos manood ng sine sa Annex.Ang stargazing na madalas nating gawin sa pader ng Intramuros pagkatapos ng klase ko.

Sana natatandaan mo ang mga iyon kasi ako natatandaan ko pa.

Pero hindi lahat ng alaala natin na natatandaan ko ay maganda.Hindi lahat ng araw ay naging masaya at madali para sa atin.

Ang sabi nila kapag nagmahal ka makikita kaagad ng iba.Magiging maganda ang lahat ng pangyayari,ngunit ang sa atin ay iba.Dumating sa punto na napabayaan ko na ang pagaaral ko para lang makita ka.At ikaw din naman,madalas ka din hindi pumasok sa ibang klase mo dahil ayaw mo na madisappoint ako kapag nangako ka na magkikita tayo.Nakakagalitan na tayo ng mga magulang natin dahil sa pagiging iresponsable.

Madalas din ay nababalewala ko ang nararamdaman mo.madalas mong sabihin na mahal mo ako.Pero ang lagi kong sinasabi ay napakamushy mo o kaya naman kapag naglalambing ka ay nasasabi ko na napakakorni mo.

Masyado ako noong nasanay na laging nandiyan ka.Masyado akong naging dependent sa iyo.Nagtatampo kaagad ako kapag hindi ka nakakasagot agad sa text at o nakakatawag gayung reasonable naman ang dahilan mo.Lumabas ang insecurities ko at masyado akong naging demanding at seloso.naging maikli ang pasensiya ko at lagi akong inaatake ng pagdududa.May mga ilang pagkakataon din na nagaway tayo dahil sabi mo sobrang nasasakal ka na.Sa maniwala ka at sa hindi,Sa iyo umikot ang mundo ko.

Naging pasensiyoso ka noong una.May mga compromise ka ding ginawa.-nagbigay ka,umuunawa, nagpapatawad.Ako nama'y tanggap lang ng tanggap.Pero paulit ulit pa ring ginawa ang mga bagay na hindi pinagkakasunduan.Pero sabi nga ng matatanda, napupuno din ang salop.Hanggang hindi mo na nakaya ang immaturity ko at biglang naging malamig ka na lang.

Ilang araw tayong hindi nagusap.Bigla na lang idinahilan mo na inatake ka ng trangkaso at hirap ka na gumamit ng cellphone at telepono.Noong una ay naniwala ako.Hanggang ang araw na hindi nating pagkikita at paguusap ay naging linggo at ang linggo ay naging buwan.

Takot akong ibaba ang pride ko sa iyo.Kahit kabisado ko pa ang cell number mo,landline at kahit email.wala akong ginawang paraan para makipagayos sa iyo.Nagulat na lang ako minsan ng buksan ko ang inbox ng email ko at nakita ko ang pangalan mo.Ang sabi mo namimiss mo na ako.Humihingi ka ng sorry at sinabi mong napabayaan mo ako.Humihingi ka ng isa pang pagkakataon para ibalik ang dati.Naglakip ka pa nga litrato nating dalawa sa email na iyon.

Naging matigas ang puso ko.Inisip ko na kung nakaya mong tiisin ako ng matagal ay kayang kaya ko ring gawin yun.Nakipagdate ako sa iba.Inakala kong iyon ang sagot para malimutan ka.Ang mga sumunod kong mga naging karelasyon ay naging napakaikli lamang.Hindi ko alam, hinahanap kong lagi sa kanila ang mga katangiang nakita ko sa iyo.

Hanggang sa napagod ako at ipinasya ko na maging single na lang.Walang gaanong komplikasyon.Walang responsibilidad.sa loob ng dalawang taon, naging single ako.

Sa maraming pagkakataon kapag magisa ako ay naiisip kita.Kung kumusta ka na ba,kung masaya ka ba? kung may natagpuan ka na ba na taong magpapasaya sa iyo?Kung kahit minsan ba ay naisip mo ako.Angtagal kong niloko ang sarili ko na hindi ka importante sa akin.Pero pagod na ko magpanggap,tanggap ko na ang katotohanan na malaki ang naibahagi mo sa buhay ko.

Sana makita mo kung ano na ako ngayon.Pagkatapos ng anim na taon,maipagmamalaki ko sa iyo na malaki na ang ipinagbago ko.Marami kang naituro at binago sa akin.

Ikaw ang nagturo sa akin na pahalagahan ang mga taong mahal mo at nagmamahal sa iyo.Wala nang pangalawang pagkakataon na ibibigay sa atin na makita pang muli kung sakaling mawala sila.

Ikaw din ang nagturo sa akin wag matakot masaktan at wag mapagod magmahal.Kapag bumagsak at nadapa, matutong bumangon.Kahit pa nakaluhod ka na lang at hindi mo na kayang tumayo, ang mahalaga ay pinilit mo.Ang mahalaga ay sumubok ka.

Pero parang malabo na yatang mangyari na makita mo ang mga iyon.Siguro nga mahihirapan akong limutin ka.Siguro nga patuloy akong babagabagin ng pagsisisi na sana'y nagawa kitang ipaglaban noon.

Minsan,napanaginipan kita.Nakangiti ka sa akin habang sinasabi wag akong malungkot.Nagising na lang akong umiiyak.

Marahil tama ka nga.Hindi ako dapat malungkot.Sapagkat nagampanan mo na kung anuman ang dapat maging papel mo sa buhay ko.Na dumating ka para baguhin ito.Na kailangan mo ring umalis at iwan ako.Na kailangan kong huminto na lang at sumuko sa paghihintay sa iyo.

Pero patawarin mo ako dahil hindi ko kaya.Patawarin mo ako dahil gumawa uli ako ng paraan para muling dugtungan pa kung saan man naputol ang lahat.

Mamaya, magoonline ako.Titignan ko kung tinanggap mo ang invitation ko.

Of Love and Commitment

LOVE

Nitong mga nakaraang araw, maraming katanungan ang gumulo sa dating magulo ko ng utak.Ito ay tungkol sa pagibig at commitment.

Sa isang heart to heart talk ng taong napakalapit sa akin ngayon, nabanggit niya na hirap siyang pakiramdaman ang sarili kung pag-ibig na ba ang nararamdaman niya sa isang tao.Nagkibitbalikat lang ako noong una sa sinabi niya pero nabahala din ako pagkatapos.Ang realization na ibinigay nito sa akin ay kahit mahaba na ring panahon ang inilagi ko sa mundo at ilang relasyon na rin ang nagkaroon ako, hindi ko rin lubos pang nauunawaan kung ano nga ba ang pag-ibig.Paanong ang lahat ay naguusap tungkol sa pagibig at heto kaming dalawa na parang mga tanga na hirap bigyan ng kahulugan ang salitang ito?

Kung nagpapakaintelekwal lang ako ng panahong iyon, maaring nagquote na lang ako ng linya mula sa nabasa kong libro o napanood na pelikula para sabihin sa kanya ang depinisyon ng pag-ibig.Pero matatawa lang ang kausap ko dahil ang pagibig ay sadyang napakakomplikadong konsepto. Kahit tanungin mo ang bawat tao, iba iba ang persepsiyon nila ng pagibig.

Pinagaralan ko yung sinabi ng kausap ko.Hinayaan ko siyang magkuwento ng sa ganun ay magkaroon ako ng ideya kung bakit nasabi niya na mahirap maramdaman ang pagibig.

Ibinahagi niya kung paanong naging jaded na ang pakiramdam niya dahil sa pagibig.Ikinuwento niyang kung paanong ilang beses na siyang nasaktan at naloko ng taong akala niya ay mahal niya at mahal din siya.Inakala niya na ang nararamdaman niya noong mga panahong iyo ay pagibig na talaga. Ang pagiisip ay nadaig ng emosyon ang sabi pa niya.Hindi porke't may kilig at masaya ka na kasama ang isang taong gusto mo ay masasabi mo na ng walang pagaalinlangan na pagibig na ang lahat.Ito'y isang damdamin di mo inaasahan na madarama,at hindi basta basta dapat ibigay.Ang pagibig ay dumadaan din sa panahon.

Pinakikinggan ko siyang mabuti.Kahit pa hindi direktang patungkol sa akin ang sinabi niya at napaguusapan lang naman namin ang konsepto ng pagibig, nakadama ako ng kaunting guilt at pagkapahiya.Napabilang ako sa daliri.Ilang relasyon na ba ang pinagdaanan ko?Sa mga relasyong ito, kampante ko bang masasabi na tunay na pagibig ang nadama at naibigay ko?

Binalikan ko sa isipan ang mga nagdaan kong relasyon.

Maaring idepensa ko ang sarili sa pagsasabing kaya't mababaw lang ang pagkakaunawa ko sa pagibig ay dahil maikling panahon lang ang naibigay sa akin para kilalanin ang taong inakala kong minahal ko at minahal din ako.
Totoo naman.Ang panahon ang magsasabi kong pagibig nga bang matatawag ang nararamdaman mo sa isang tao.

Naalala ko,noon napakadali sa akin ang magsabi ng I love you sa taong nagugustuhan ko.At nakakatawa ring isipin na may mga nakilala ako na nagsasabi na kaaagad sa akin ng mga salitang ito gayung hindi pa ako lubos na kilala.

Inisip ko kung ano ang dahilan nito.Humantong ako sa konklusyon na napakarami ng insecurities ko sa sarili noon.Ang mga salitang I love You maging galing sa taong hindi ko naman kilala ay nagbibigay sa akin ng seguridad na ako ay tanggap.Ang isa pang naisip kong dahilan ay may mga bagay sa ngayon ay madalas nating minamadali.

Hindi lang naman ako kundi marami sa atin ang nahilig sa shortcuts at instant dahil sa pagkahumaling sa teknolohiyang gaya ng cellphone at Internet na siyang nagdulot sa kaisipan natain na ang mga bagay sa ngayon kagaya ng pagibig ay madali lang makukuha.Pero totoo ang sabi nila, ang bagay na madali mong makuha ay madali ring mawawala.Ang panahon ang magbibigay sa atin ng mga pangyayaring masalimuot,masasakit at masaya, at kapag ang lahat ng ito ay nalagpasan ng dalawang taong nagmamahalan na magkasama, masasabi ko na iyon ay pagibig.

COMMITMENT

Heto muna ang marami kong tanong tungkol sa commitment dahil ito ang madalas gumulo sa akin ngayon.

Bakit may mga taong napakadaling icommit ang sarili at bakit may mga tao rin na napakatagal magpasiya kung makikipagcommit ba sila o hindi?

Hangal nga ba na matatawag ang dalawang tao na pumapasok sa isang commitment na hindi sila sigurado sa nararamdaman ng isa't isa?

Paano nga ba kung isa lang ang nagmamahal at ang isa'y hindi pa sigurado kung pagmamahal na ba ang nararamdaman niya, tama bang ipilit pa rin ang commitment?

Kung hindi,tama ba na sabihin niya sa isa na maghintay hangga't sigurado na siya at alam niya na pagmamahal ang nararamdaman niya?Hanggang kailan ang dapat hintayin?

May punto ba ang isang tao kapag sinabi niya na kapag mas matagal nating kinilala ang isa't isa, mas magiging matibay ang pundasyon ng relasyon kung sakaling magkaroon na ng commitment?

May isang kakilala na nagsabi na ang pagmamahal ay hindi nangangailangan ng commitment, maaring may punto siya.Pero pwede ko ring sabihin akma lamang ang konseptong ito ng pagibig para sa isang kaibigan, para sa isang kamaganak, para sa isang kapamilya.Ang commitment na sinasabi ko dito ay ang commitment para sa dalawang taong nagmamahalan. Sumasangayon din ako na hindi tayo nagmamahal dahil gusto natin ng commitment.Maraming taong nagkakamali na ang relasyon at pagibig ay iisa.Pero hindi.Hindi relasyon ang dahilan kung bakit tayo nagmamahal.

Alam ko na kapag sinabi mo sa isang tao na gusto mo siya ay hindi kaagad nangangahulugan na gusto mong makipagcommit sa kanya.Maaaring ito ay simpleng atraksiyon lamang.Maaari ding naghahanap lang ang isa ng kaibigan.Sa tingin ko kapag ang dalawang tao ay nagkagustuhan na,mahalagang maging malinaw sa dalawa ang gusto nilang mangyari.As early as possible, kailangang malaman kung posible ba o hindi na humantong sa relasyon o commitment ang lahat.

Mahirap malagay sa isang situwasyon kung saan sa gitna ng dating stage kung saan kinikilala niyo ang isa't isa ay biglang marerealize ng isa na handa na siya sa isang commitment pero ang isa ay hindi naman.Ang nakikita kong dahilan nito, maaring naghihintay pa ng sign o naininigurado pa ang isa.Pero ang pinakamasakit na dahilan kaya't hindi makapagcommit ang isang tao ay dahil pinapaasa niya lang ang isa.

Hindi naman tama na pilitin mo na makipagcommit ang isang taong hindi pa handa sa commitment.Isa itong desperasyon na matatawag.Ang paghihintay ang siyang susubok kung ay isa ay handa bang magtiis at magpakasakit.Dahil ang paghihintay para sa akin ay isang napakahirap na gawin sa buhay na ito kung san kahit galaw ng mga kamy sa orasan ay tila nagmamadali.Pero ang malaking katanungan,hanggang kailan nga ba ang dapat ipaghintay at ipagtiis?Hindi ko rin yata masasagot ito.

Maaring makasarili nga ang konsepto ko ng commitment.Kung naramdaman mo ang pagibig at alam mong ganun din ang nararamdaman ng isa, wala na akong nakikitang dahilan para patagalin pa ang lahat.Sabi nga ng isang kaibigan, it guarantees exclusivity, na kung meron nito kahit ba kinukuwestiyon ang pagibig merong bagay na panghahawakan kayong dalawa.Na kapag mayrong commitment na sumasaklaw sa dalawang tao, may seguridad at assurance.

Sa marami kong tanong tungkol sa commitment,heto lang ang nabigyan ko ng sagot.
Bakit nga pumapasok ang dalawang tao sa isang relasyon?Isa lang ang sagot dito,dahil sila ay nagmamahal.

Can't Stay Away From You

As much as I don't want my blog site to be flooded with song lyrics and videos, I can't help it.This song manifests how I feel.Every word of it paints what I feel.



CAN'T STAY AWAY FROM YOU (Gloria Estefan)
Time flies
when you're having fun
I heard somebody say
But, if all I've been is fun
Then, baby, let me go;
don't wanna be in your way
And I don't wanna be your second choice
Don't wanna be just your friend

You keep telling me that you're not in love
You wanna throw it all away
But I can't stay away from you
I don't wanna let you go
And, though it's killing me--that's true
There's just some things I can't control

Your love is slipping through my hands
And, though I've heard it all before
I know you're telling me the truth
I know it's just no use
But I can't stay away from you
Hold on to ev'ry bit of hope
That's all I ever do
Hoping you might change your mind
And call me up to say how much you need me, too
And, though you're leaving me no other choice
Than to turn and walk away
Look over your shoulder--I'll be there
You can count on me to stay
'Cause I can't stay away from you

I don't wanna let you go
And, though it's killing me--that's true
There's just some things I can't control
Your love is slipping through my hands
And, though I've heard it all before I know you're telling me the truth
I know it's just no use
But I can't stay away from you

To my beloved.

Thank you for giving me a very special gift, which is a part of yourself. Meeting you and knowing you more each day is truly a celebration of my personhood.
Thank you for making me realized that truly loving another means letting go of all expectations.
Thank you for always reminding me to be compassionate and forgiving.I am now starting to believe that there is a goodness in every person.
I just want you to know that we are one in this travel.It is not just YOUR travel, it's OURS.we will reach our dreams, we will meet different people and we will learn a lot of things together.And everything will be done "nice and slow" as you say.

For all of these things and hundreds more, You will always be a part of me.And I will be forever thnakful for that.

Gawin na lang lyrics site ang blog.Hahaha.I love this song,very beautiful lyrics.

Sundo by Imago

Kay tagal kong sinusuyod
ang buong mundo
Para hanapin,para hanapin ka
Nilibot ang distritong iyong lumbay
Pupulutin, pupulutin ka
Sinusundo kita,Sinusundo…

Asahan mong mula ngayon
pag-ibig ko’y sayo
Asahan mong mula ngayon
pag-ibig ko’y sayo
Sa akin mo isabit
ang iyong lumbay
Di kukulanginang ibibigay
Isuko ang kabatuluyan kang bumitaw
Ika’y manalig
Manalig ka..

Sinusundo kitaSinusundo…
Asahan mong mula ngayon
pag-ibig ko’y sayo
Asahan mong mula ngayon
pag-ibig ko’y sayo
Handa na sa liwanag mo
Sinuyod ang buong mundo
Maghihintay sayo’ng sundo

TIME WILL REVEAL

BoyzIIMen

What can I do?

To make you feel secure

Remove all your doubts

So that you know for sure

That you're the apple of my eye

Fulfillment of my dreams

Time, will show the value

Just what you mean to me

More precious than silver

More precious than diamond rings

Or anything that I can give you

It wouldn't mean a thing

If you didn't have my love beside you there to guide you through

But ain't it good to know you do

Chorus

I know just how you feel

But this time love's for real

In time it will reveal

A special love that's deep inside of us

Will all reveal in time

I tell you I love you

But you don't believe it's true

More precious than silver

More precious than diamond rings

Or anything that I can give you

It wouldn't mean a thing

If you didn't have my love beside you there to guide you through

But ain't it good to know you do

Chorus

I know just how you feel

But this time love's for real

In time it will reveal

A special love that's deep inside of us

Will all reveal in time
I know just how you feel

But this time love's for realIn time it will reveal

A special love that's deep inside of us

Will all reveal in time
music intermission

Bridge
Or anything that I could give

It wouldn't mean a thing

If you didn't have my love beside yo there to guide you through

But ain't it good to know you do

Chorus

I know just how you feel

But this time love's for real

In time it will reveal

A special love that's deep inside of us

Will all reveal in time
I know just how you feel

But this time love's for realIn time it will reveal

A special love that's deep inside of us

Will all reveal in time
I know just how you feel

But this time love's for realIn time it will reveal

A special love that's deep inside of us

Will all reveal in time

I am back

"Besides, the world isn't split into good people and death eaters. We have all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the power we chose to act on. That’s who we really are. "

-Sirius Black

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

***

I miss blogging.I miss it like the taste of blood and chocolate.