Sunday, April 29, 2007

What Ifs and If Onlys

A week ago, I was interviewed for an OIC post.I tried to answer the panelist' quetions as smartly as possible.I thought the interview process would be a breeze but I came across with this question which I think is the hardest question thrown at me during that time.The question was like if there's something in my past that I wanted to change, what would that be and why?I was thinking hard because the truth of the matter is, if I have the power in my hand, I would definitely change a lot of things from my past.However, since i was afraid of taking risk that time and giving that answer would only open a can of worms so I played safe. I just gave a beauty-contest-winning-answer : "Oh there's nothing in my past that I wanted to change.We can only change our future but not our past.Yada yada..."
I realized after the interview that it's not an honest answer.It should not be my answer.Who in the world does not want to change his past?Well unless you were born a somebody,king or queen in some faraway land.I am certain that there's a thing or two from our past that we wished never happened or hoped would had happened in a different way.
I asked the question to my friend and she said she is contented with the way things are but she could be happier if some things happened the way she want it to be.I dunno if its just me but I feel there is still bitterness from that statement.Haha.
Seriously, while I am thinking about the answer to that question I realized one thing,I am still prisoner of my past.Although I said I already forgive some people but there are still some hurtful things I can't forget.I still can't move on and still not over with that person I truly loved six years ago.I am still upset that I did not pursue my dream of becoming what I really wanted to be .I am still regretful and wished that I could have spent more time with my father when he was alive.There were thousands of what ifs and if onlys lingering in mind.
I guess I am the type who is really attached with his past. I am so nostalgic and would often look at some old pictures and reminisced the good things that happened.I will feel sad when an old love song is being played on the radio.I love to see old friends and acquiantances and talked about the events that happened in the past.I am always hunted by the pain of yesterday.
It's sad and I hate myself for being like this but what can I do?I really wish there's an easy way of forgetting.I hope I stop clinging on to my past and just move on with the future.
I know I can't be happy feeling and being this way.Probably the best thing I can do, is look back on the good things that happened and use the bad things as a learning tool for the future.But its easier said than done.
I just wanted to share my thoughts.There were so much negative things in mind so I hope talking about this will somehow help me overcome them.Bakit naman kasi binabalikan pa ang nakaraan.hehe.
I don't want to end this post negatively so let me just quote this line from my favorite movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind,"The only true path toward “eternal sunshine” is a path that cherishes the memory of the sorrows and the joys, the loves and the disappointments of life."

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